Grindass House XXX Double Feature (DVD)

Boy, it's hard to do spoof. It's a high-wire act in any medium, but porn has always made room for it. I mean, the minute "Brokeback Mountain" came out, didn't everyone assume everything from the title to the plot and some of the dialogue wouldn't end up as fodder in a fuck flick? Well, the brilliant Mike Donner, along with a cast and crew of special zanies, are actually attempting TRIPLE spoof with "Grindass House." On one level, it's a spoof of the 2007 Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double-feature "Grindhouse" itself a mock of hypersexual and hyperviolent 70s B-pictures to begin with. And that's before the sex comes in, because the sex is then a quirky nostalgia trip back to porn of the 70s. It's not done in a fashion that might deter some viewers (the use of vintage film or big mustaches), but rather a send-up of the era in attitude and sense of humor. Once the sex starts, the movie advances 30 or so years for scenes that are paced like most sex scenes of the 21st Century, peppered with guys who look like porn stars of the 21st Century. That adds up to a hilarious sexfest that has me still smiling thinking about it.

"Ranger Wood and the Pizza Boy"

Director: Rod Regis

Just so you know, "Ranger Wood and the Pizza Boy" has a screenplay by Jack N. Noff and Jenna Talia, based on writing by Norma Lee Randy, as well as costumes by Jacques Strap and casting by Ima Gayhor. I didn't want those important folks to be left out of the credit as we storm into the movie.

Before the invention of VHS and its infiltration, porn didn't always have time for extravagant plots. So, "Ranger Wood and the Pizza Boy" is pretty much what the title suggests, the actions of two stock characters. The ranger is played by smooth tattooed twink Brant Moore, who finishes his day of rangering by jacking off in the foliage at home. Brant's hefty cock is shot in close-up as his face contorts in pleasure to the twists of his hand. His ass isn't so bad either, and a bit of fingering is welcome during the self-pleasuring. In fact, there is still a finger lodged up in there when an oiled-up Brant shoots.

The pizza boy has been a gay porn staple since either the invention of gay porn or the invention of pizza; historians are still debating it. He was merrily delivering circular pies throughout the 70s, and here Tristan Mathews not only delivers, but does so on roller skates, with long white socks going up his legs. His customer is Bradley Christopher, wearing just a robe, the international symbol for easy access. Slightly bearded tanned Tristan is the one whose mouth is watering when Bradley lets the robe go to reveal a raging hardon. Tristan takes to the floor for a stupendous deep-throat, full of excitement and pluck. Brown-haired cutie Bradley smiles in glee as the camera shoots Tristan's helluva suck from every angle. Inked Tristan then face-fucks Bradley, letting his hips swivel with the force his mouth just displayed. Bradley's sprightly sucking gives way to a rimjob of the pizza boy that takes the heat up another notch. It's really a fuck, making way in the hole for the cock he plants in there soon after. The scene zips along so that Bradley wastes no time in just plowing into Tristan with all of his might, staying the course for the entire time. Bradley has a grand shot on Tristan's stomach tattoo and then Tristan pops off too. Bradley tosses cash at Tristan, who bleats, "what, no tip?" You just got the tip and the base, kiddo!

I think the next scene is supposed to take place outdoors, but in the time-honored tradition of low-budget porn, it's instead a bare garage with lots of fake foliage, adding one more of those stylistic touches that makes this so damn funny. Somewhere amid the silk greenery, you'll find bubble-butted Damon Phoenix using his impossibly big lips to blow thick tattooed Shane. Ranger Brant arrives on the scene and naturally joins them. Why wouldn't he? Damon can handle both cocks as Shane and Brant make out above him, sometimes together, sometimes apart, but always with sloppy oomph. Damon is a high-powered maniac for cock. He then gets a chance to relax while Brant licks at his amazing ass and Shane sucks his dick. Brant's is almost lost in Damon's pillowy cheeks. Damon returns to sucking Shane and then the trio goes into a scorching circle-suck, with Damon the ace of the pack on Brant's biggie. Shane just looks like a top, and he fits the role well when he gets one of porn's best asses to plug. That means Brant has to content himself with Damon's still-feisty mouth on the other end, which makes both guys insanely lucky. Shane gets in very smoothly and keeps up a friendly rhythm. Damon's massive legs are a bulwark against any top trying to get too overwhelming. Brant gets in the middle for a three-way fuck, sticking it to Damon while Shane is up his rear. Brant excels at swinging back and forth, with Shane pulling on Damon to make sure both he and Shane can get in as deep as possible. This trio is on fire! But, they aren't done yet. Damon hasn't topped, and he gets his chance when Brant spreads his legs wide and takes his cock. It's mere moments before Brant slams out a huge blast of cum, followed by a shot to the chest from Shane and a sizey load from Damon.

What happens to the Ranger? What happens to the Pizza Boy? Wait until the end, when they bump into each other. You know where they will probably end up, but perhaps they will first head to a sleazy dark bar scented by poppers later that night.

As in the legit "Grindhouse," there is an intermission here with three trailers (noted below in the DVD extras). Do watch them as they are every bit as precise as the movies sandwiching them.

...

"Route 69"

Director: Tara Teeno

Ah, the music of 70s porn. As the credits to "Route 69" roll, the first few notes and instruments cue the era, a cliché so ingrained in public consciousness that it's universally known. You know, "bow chicka bow." Yeah, you know. The porn stars are billed with names like Phil McCrevis and Biff Blohard in case the music didn't set the time period for you.

The story starts with three pals hungry for food. There is the always-delicious blond Andy Kirra, lanky tattooed hottie Elijah and Hans Ebson, the German-porn ageless wonder, here given an Afro wig for sheer stupidity's sake (and I howled at it). Elijah declares he's horny, and everyone replies, "oh, yeah!" with inflection you can mimic yourself without having to hear it.

Andy trots off, walking merrily down the streets of Palm Springs when Ryan Thompson drives by. There are a few more "oh yeahs" tossed in before Andy gets into the pants of his hunky brunet partner. Andy is allowed to get Ryan, wearing a tacky polyester top, hard, and Andy's devotion to achieving that is quite notable. But, just as he's sucking, there's a technical problem with the reel of film and we have to wait while it's fixed. We'll wait, take your time . . .

Okay, it's fixed. Now it's Ryan's turn to suck Andy, already very hard. Ryan sucks loudly, using his hand for help when it's not working his own cock. Grand 69 action follows, with Ryan's nuts drooping onto Andy's face as he sucks. Ryan can't keep his hands away from Andy's pale butt while he blows, and he's soon in there with his tongue instead. Andy's hairy hole is a playground for Ryan's fast-moving tongue, and he spends oodles of time wetting things up, first for his finger and then finally his cock. Andy looks divine being splayed on the rocking table as Ryan strikes a determined pose and slams at Andy with brute force. Ryan's dick is big, but he has a special surprise for Andy's craving hole when he produces a massive dildo and slides it in easily. With nearly every inch of it inside him, Andy is able to shoot wildly and then Ryan follows that up with a blast to Andy's balls.

Though Andy has had sex, the three pals are still bored and laze around with beers, Hans still in his goofy wig. Oops, Elijah accidentally sprouts a boner! As romantic music crashes into the score, Hans whips off his wig and joins Andy in a suck of the meaty member. Elijah, hiding being sunglasses, is super cocky as he watches the boys work his cock. They make a fine team, both greedy and full of share at the same time. Andy ultimately lets Hans have it all to himself, but only so he can stuff his woody in Elijah's mouth. Elijah retains his character's feel, even when his face is full of cock. He returns to lazing so Andy can suck him while Hans' tongue darts around Andy's ass. Andy and Elijah are moaners, but it's Hans' quiet work that steals this section. Aping the action of the earlier three-way, Elijah stands solid as Andy blows him and Hans does his anal tickle routine on his ass. It's hard to say who is the luckiest here, Elijah for getting two boys on him at once, Andy for having his fine pecker to suck or Hans, playing around so delightfully in the pearly white ass. Damn, there's technical trouble again, but this time, we don't have to wait, and by the time the movie resumes, Andy and Hans are squatting on the couch, with topman Elijah ready for their asses. Still sporting his Mr. Cool sunglasses, he does Andy first, with an elegant grind and a manly force. Hans watches patiently, knowing that the excellent fuck Andy is getting is coming his way. It does and Elijah stays just as sturdy. With total ease, he goes back and forth on the guys. It's a shame he doesn't have a twin, so both bottoms could be sated at once. But, as good a top as he is, Elijah is also versatile. Staying in Andy's ass, he lets Hans top him for a man-in-the-middle that really cooks. Elijah does most of the work, but muscular Hans makes sure to get in some hearty pounding. Elijah cums on Andy's hand, Hans on Elijah's butt and then Andy himself with a winning blast.

There are many who may find "Grindass House" more tempting and interesting than the movie it's spoofing, and not just because of the sex. It has a lightness about it that doesn't want you to take it seriously. It's actually a rather small movie when you look at it, but it's so cheaply dressed up, you have to love it. Now, if you like this better than "Grindhouse" because of the sex, I can completely understand. Packed with able twinks, the sex here rages. The guys are game and all willing to play along. You didn't find that in the 70s, where you had stars who just topped, stars who just bottomed and you knew as soon as the scene started who was who. Here, the guys are surprising and game, all delivering beautifully.

DVD features: Chapters; outtakes; trailers ("The Sucked and the Sucking," "Palm Springs Sucking Company," "Soldiers Gone Wild"); and no regional coding (playable worldwide).

A DVD Review by Brent Blue ( http://ManNet.com )

*** Highly, Highly Recommended ***

Starring Brant Moore, Damon Phoenix, Hans Ebson, Andy Kirra, Tristan Matthews, Bradley Christopher, Elijah, Shane and Ryan Thompson.

Directed by Mike Donner.

A Dirty Bird Pictures DVD.

DVD features include Interactive Menus; Chapter Index; Jump to Your Favorite Scenes; DVD-ROM Compatible; No Regional Coding for World Wide Playback.