Blue Movie Auditions/Honorable Jones Comes Out (DVD)

In a "male model studio," circa 1970, six oddball studs are interviewed, then given Blue Movie Auditions in re: "sex movies for the homosexual market." Or, as this is also known, How to Make a Homo Movie.

The prospective pecker-gobblers "are auditioned on film in order to qualify in the areas of appeal, sexuality, voice quality, and the ability to perform sexually on camera." (They should?ve skipped Voice quality." It?s difficult lo hear them above the constant grind of the 16mm Eclair.)

Jacque. who has scary "I?m-about-to-go-on-a-killing-spree" eyes, likes ?far out" sex and charmingly relates how, "In New York, I got really spaced on this stuff this kid had and we balled for about six hours. Really had a lot of fun. And, uh. you know, broke a couple of lamps and a TV set and a few things like that. It was okay..." I?ll bet. He also can t stand "silly faggots."

His partner, Tony from Ohio, auditions for his "first fuck film" by telling us he once had sex on a horse. Jacque then jumps on Tony?s butt and rides him.

A bearded, somewhat creepy guy named Jeff says he likes "subdued S&M" in his private life before launching into a tale about getting fucked by a guy with a butcher knife. He also engages in oral surgery with Ted, a curly-haired cutie, who enunciates very s-l-o-o-o-o-w-l-y and "does not enjoy chicken."

Peter, a personable young man with chipped teeth, tells us he?s considering getting a tattoo "of a little rabbit on my leg and have him jumping into my asshole. Or a squirrel grabbing for my nuts. Wouldn?t that be nifty?" Said asshole is then rammed by red-haired Lee from Trenton, New Jersey, accompanied by a lot of quiet but intense sphincter strategy: "You gotta keep it kinda shallow and we?ll be in good shape...

Biggest surprise, however, is that at least two of these gentlemen did, in fact, go on to star in other homo movies: scary-looking Jacque went on to play a scary-looking rapist in Assault, while slow-speaking Ted essayed the lead in Swap Meat though, mercifully, he wasn?t allowed to speak. Dwight Pangbom, Those Hollywood Homos

It?s a big wonderful world we live in. There?s a laundry detergent for every type of wash, a fruit drink for any taste, and pornography for all preferences. Sick of buff, butch meat-men or pretty, girly, fag-boys? Want to see what really goes on in the minds and crotches of everyday guys? Well, look no more. The Honorable Jones Comes Out is here to rescue all you porn hounds who are tired of physical (and narrative) perfection. If your heated masturbatory fantasies are populated by the likes of Woody Alien, Conrad Bain, or the Pathmark man, here?s a film for you!

ALLAN WOOD stars the Honorable Jones, an assistant D.A. and an upstanding family man with delicate hexagon-shaped glasses and one of the most bizarre cases of male-pattern baldness known to science. One fine day, he?s called into the mean old D.A.?s office for a special assignment involving a city-wide crackdown on the homosexual community. Jones? duty? To go to the local gay theater and see what goes on.

Entering the movie house, he is immediately assaulted by the sight of a huge forty foot ass welcoming the invasion of an army of wiggling fingers. "So that?s what they do!" he exclaims. As he takes a seat, the couple next to him begin to go at it as the screen spews forth a montage of bizarre kinks and weird fetishes. "Do you think this kind of action offends anyone?" he asks a young brown-skinned cineast in front of him. "Do you like black cock?" comes the reply.

Jones returns to the office and submits his meandering report. Outraged, the D.A. sends him back, demanding action. Mistaking action for participation, Jones returns to the theater and becomes the creamy filling between a chocolate and vanilla cookie. His suddenly unquenchable desire for forbidden fun takes him to the back room. There, an assortment of ass-happy homos welcome him into their love lair. Jolly Jones quickly joins them, stripping off his clothes in what has to be one of the most profoundly disturbing moments in the history of American cinema.

Directors: Lance Brooks, Fritz Gemein and starring Ken Gordon, Ed Davis, Ron Schmidt, Ted Yost, Jeff Puckett, Lee Gayle, Ted Kinney, Peter Raw.